The Product of Insomnia
by EstaJay
Summary: Panda-monium - The chaos and confusion carried by the Jusenkyo curses will shatter any sense of order. Or in which Light tries to murder an endangered species and L finally eats his vegetables.
1. The Product of Insomnia

_**The Product of Insomnia**_

 _Summary: Light is unable to cope with L's sleeping patterns, so much so that his mind has begun playing tricks on him._

Light often thought that he had the patience of a saint, able to deal with anything that the world threw at him with a polite smile… but L was pushing his limits.

The fifty-day imprisonment Light could tolerate, he was the one to suggest it after all, though being held under the false pretense that he was Kira when he most definitely was not was emotionally exhausting.

When the killings restarted while he was confined, that should have been enough to prove him innocent, Kira-free, not guilty. But no. L refused to admit his fault and had the bright idea to chain them together. Light had gritted his teeth and accepted the iron shackle. If being under twenty four-seven surveillance in the most primitive way would end the stubborn detective's childish suspicions, then so be it.

But this…

"Ryuuzaki please…"

This was the last straw.

Light never thought he would have to resort to begging but desperate times called for desperate measures. "Can we please go to bed now?"

"In a moment, Raito-kun," L muttered, refusing to peel his panda-eyes from the glaring computer screen. "Just after this one."

It was the fifth time the sugar-addicted insomniac had responded with that line and Light was tired of it. L must have already finished dozens of "this one's" and then some. This must be one of L's unorthodox interrogation methods, depriving him of sleep until he cracked and confessed. Though Light hated to admit it, this cruel and unusual torture was working.

The teen had not had a chance to close his eyes, let alone have a full night of sleep, since he was chained to the workaholic. For nearly a week, he had been laboring long after the rest of the task force had retired to their rooms within the headquarters. He should be at home, worrying about exams and annoying girlfriends, not bound to an insane detective hell-bent on proving that he was a serial killer.

Light sighed and returned to pleading. It may be futile and humiliating but he was too tried to care about his pride and the moment. He just wanted to go to sleep. "Ryuuzaki, it's late and we both need some rest to function properly–"

"No we do not." L interrupted. "Or at least I have no need for such a wasteful activity."

"Sleep? Wasteful?" His hearing must be failing or L was insane. Light was hoping it was the latter rather than the former.

L finally averted his gaze from the screen and turned to face his captive. "Man spends an average of twenty-five years asleep. If one were to live for eighty years, that would be 31.25% of life wasted lying vulnerable to death when that time cold be better used for something productive. For Raito-kun to suggest that I should willingly surrender myself to unconsciousness, placing myself in a position that will easily allow me to be assassinated or remain unproductive for an undefined period of time, then he would be wishing to hinder this crucial investigation."

Light growled. "That's fucking illogical and you know it, L." There was no way he was dealing with this any longer. He wanted, no _needed,_ some sleep or else he might actually murder someone, preferably the annoyance he was chained to. Kira percentage be damned.

"One reveals their true self when deprived of a want mistaken for a need." Well Light would like to see L go a week without his precious diabetes-inducing sugar diet, maybe then he'll see the detective's 'true self'. "The aura that Raito-kun is expelling along with the dark glint in his eyes and tense posture suggests that he wishes to kill someone. The chance of Raito-kun being Kira has been raised by 10%."

Usually Light could shake off the murder accusations but he was not usually sleep deprive. With fatigue clouding his mind, he lunged at the detective. The teen knocked over a pot of coffee as he tackled L to the ground, too focused on knocking out chain-mate in order to get some form of sleep to notice they were both drenched in the liquid. Whether the caffeine-addled beverage was cooled or still warm, Light didn't care as he attempted to land another punch on the detective while avoiding a barefoot kick.

Being to more alert of the combatants, L was able to turn the tables and managed to tumble on top of Light. Refusing to be overcome by his opponent, Light attempted to push L off of him. The teen grabbed at the detective's chest only to grab onto something… soft…and lumpy...

…and…

…and…

…

"Raito-kun, I do believe that socially unacceptable to grab the breasts of a woman you are not married to." L deadpanned.

But Light did not move. He was certain that L was male forty seconds ago and while the detective did wear ill-fitting clothes, Light would have noticed if a feminine figure was concealed underneath them.

It was illogical, impossible. How can someone spontaneously swap to the opposite sex without extensive surgery and hormone treatment?

"Raito-kun?"

This random sex change was a plausible as Shinigami and murdering notebooks.

So Light did the most logical and appropriate thing for a genius to do in such a situation.

He screamed bloody murder.

{~~~}

 _Splash._ Flat chest, definitely male.

"Some time ago Watari insisted that I take a short 'vacation' from detective work as, he had explained, _'Even the greatest minds need some time to rest to function at full capacity'."_

 _Splash._ Now there were definitely breasts. Female.

"We decided to go sight-seeing around China as it was full of myths and folklore just waiting to be disproven."

 _Splash._ Firm muscular figure. Male.

"One of our destinations was the legendary training ground of cursed springs in the Bayankala Mountain range, Zhòuquánxiāng otherwise known as Jusenkyo."

 _Splash._ Soft curvy figure. Female.

"Our guide had warned us to be careful not to fall into any of the springs, as anything that were to fall into one would be cursed to take the form of whatever that originally drowned, ranging from cats to black piglets to Yetis-riding-Bulls-carrying-Cranes-and-Eels."

"Are you serious about the last one, Ryuuzaki?"

 _Splash._ Deep voice. Male. "Yes."

Splash. Higher voice. Female.

"We heeded our guide's warning, even though it sounded like complete nonsense at the time, are remained cautious around the springs."

"Sadly the other members of our group, a father-son duo of travelling martial artists, ignored the warning and proceeded to spar on the bamboo poles above the springs."

 _Splash._ Average-height male.

"Both fell into the springs and were cursed. Unfortunately, I was dragged in with one of them and was also cursed to change between male and female forms with a variation of water temperature…"

 _Splash._ Slightly-shorter female. "…as Matsuda and Aizawa have had the pleasure of demonstrating throughout this explanation."

Both members of the Task Force froze, Matsuda with a kettle of hot water and Aizawa with a pail of cold water, ready to dose the detective again.

"But Ryuuzaki," Matsuda said, empting the kettle onto L. Male. "It's not every day you get to witness real magic."

Aizawa nodded, dousing L with cold water. Female. "This is truly something amazing though I have to ask, are you a girl or a boy?"

L glared at the pair for ruining her cookie, which was now just a pile of soggy crumbs and choc-chips on her hand, before drying herself off with a towel that Watari had gracefully provided. The last thing she needed was to catch a cold and be forced to stay in bed. "That is confidential." The detective muttered.

"But why not?" Soichiro questioned. "We don't know your age, name and now gender. These things are a given when you begin working with someone."

"Exactly." L responded. "Name, age and gender are the three main things that are needed to piece together one's identity. My anonymity is maintained as these pieces on information are impossible to come by which is the reason why I do not search for a cure like many others who are cursed." A sly grin sneaked onto her face. "But there is no need to worry. I can still ask for Raito-kun's hand in marriage regardless of my biological sex."

The Task Force turned to Light, who was still on the floor with one hand twitching.

"L is male then he's female then she's male again then he's female…" The teen was muttering madly.

L kept a neutral face as see observed her star Kira suspect from the other end of the chain. If this was how he reacted to something as small as a minor gender-bending curse, how would a something much larger, such as Kira's supernatural killing method, affect him?

She smirked into her chocolate treat. All she needed now was how Kira killed and Light would be brought to justice. She also needed a way to let the teen sleep without hindering her own work. If L was not careful, Light's next sleep withdrawal will reveal her true name.

{~~~}

 **Thank you for reading and please, leave a review if you can.**

 **Sorry for the long absence but hopefully I can post something again before… the year ends?**

 **Feel free to use the idea if you want and if enough people are interested, I might write a bit more on this plotline.**


	2. Panda-monium

_**Panda-monium**_

 _Summary: The chaos and confusion carried by the Jusenkyo curses will shatter any sense of order. Or in which Light tries to murder an endangered species and L finally eats his vegetables._

Since acquiring the Death Note, Light's life had been perfect.

By day he was the perfect son, loving big brother and model student. He successfully avoided the ridiculous 'teenage rebellion' phase and had entered adulthood with a past of straight A's, leadership roles and countless recommendations. He groomed himself into a person that his parents would be proud of, one that was respect and at times envied by his peers. The type of person that everyone wished that they were and wanted.

But behind locked doors, that perfectly _boring_ mask fell away to reveal an all-powerful being. With a flick of a pen and a face in his mind, Light would cleanse the world of low-life scum. As the son of a police officer, he knew the importance of justice. The good will always prevail and the wicked will be punished yet because of the flawed imperfect system, many criminals fell through the cracks, evading their desserts. But no more. With the supernatural power of the Death Note, Light would act as the judge, jury and executioner. He would carry out righteous judgement to create a utopia for those pure of heart.

Light was Kira and Kira was Justice.

Like any other ruler, Light had to have a jester. A fool that would keep him amused and entertained. His was not an entertainer dressed in bright colors and ridiculous costumes. No, his jester was a letter. The twelfth letter of the alphabet to be exact. L, the so-called greatest detective in the world, was led on like a blind man at Light's hands. While there were times when his anonymous adversary outsmarted-no, _tricked_ , him (the Lind L. Tailor was a cunning move and a sharp blow to his pride) Light was still in charge. There were unknowns when concerning L, as much as Light hated to admit, but that was what made it exciting. After all, what joy was there in winning the world if there was no one to oppose him? It was a tale he had already seen an end to, just watching the plot unfold at his leisure.

But what Light failed to remember was that he was not the author. A new twist was coming his way.

{~~~}

"And now some words of encouragement from our freshman representative: Yagami Raito and Da Pan."

The entire To-Oh Entrance Ceremony was put on hold as they waited for the second representative to make his appearance.

Though Light remained perfectly composed as he stood at the podium through the awkward silence, he was mentally seething. That other student had scored perfectly just like him yet he failed to arrive on time or, as some cruel joke, had decided to wait in the audience and stand when he felt like it. The other student was to be his only intellectual peer, someone who could challenge him, a rival who would push him to his limits and make his boring day life seem interesting (given that the test results were not a fluke). _But where was he?_ Light was thoroughly irritated, doing his best to endure the other student's tardiness.

And seriously, what name was Da Pan _?_ It was more suited for street thug rather than an intellectual student. With a name like that _Da Pan_ should have taken a pseudonym or have picked a better one if it were fake. There were many names to choose from, even taking a celebrities like 'Ryuuga Hideki' would be more appropriate than something that sounded like 'the pan' in English.

Then the doors to the hall flung open and in the doorway stood a large burly figure… in black and white fur… with small round ears… gnawing on a stick of bamboo…

Gears whirled in Light's head. 'Da Pan' in western order is 'Pan Da' which is English for…

 _I'm as smart as a fucking_ panda bear?!

The panda named 'Pan Da' tottered up to stage while everyone watched in shock, even Light could not stop himself from gaping like a fool. He quickly composed himself as Pan Da the panda joined him on stage. This had to be the most humiliating moment of his life. His genius, the mind that he prided himself for, was no better than an _animal's_. How could a panda get into university? _Why_ would a panda even go to university?

Ryuk found the entire situation hilarious, of course. Rolling in the pulpit with insane laughter, invisible to everyone except Light. First he would skin that damn bear alive then choke the laughing Shinigami with the pelt, WWF and their mascot be damned.

Light sent a sideways to the announcers, hoping that this was nothing more than an elaborate prank, maybe a tradition to have an endangered animal share the stage with the top-scoring student, but they were as lost for words as he was.

He hid his scowl in a smile as he presented his portion of the speech, restarting the ceremony. There were whispers in the crowd since Da Pan made his appearance. Light quickly tuned them out with years of experience not only because they were annoying and unnecessary but to lessen the wound on his pride.

Despite apparently possessing the intellect of a human, Da Pan lack any etiquette. All throughout his speech, the bear munched loudly on the sugar glazed bamboo, raking on Light's nerves to no end. When it was the animal's turn, Da Pan pulled out a wooden sign and a permanent marker from…somewhere... and started grunting and groffing while he continuously flipped the sign with the Japanese translation of Pandanese.

So now the panda was a magician too.

With the speech finally over, Light hurried back to his seat as calmly as one could with a bear tailing him. Several people moved out of the way as Da Pan plonked himself next to Light, still chewing bamboo. In his other paw, between two claws, was a wooden sign asking: _Can you keep a secret?_

Several other students had lost interest in the ceremony and were instead trying to puzzle out who the panda was referring to or why a panda was here and not in China or a zoo. Light somehow knew that the bear was questioning him from the panda's constant and discreet poking to his side. He gave a slight, almost unnoticeable, nod to the bear and a small piece of paper was slipped onto his lap.

Light carefully unfolded Da Pan's response. Was this the moment hidden cameras jumped out and proclaimed this was all a set up? Or maybe the human Da Pan was standing in for would appear? He would have definitely noticed a panda in the exam room. But written on the small slip in what appeared to be chocolate frosting was the phrase he had been least expecting:

 _I am L._

Wide-eyed, Light turned to face Da Pan, or _L_ as he claimed to be. The bear's eyes had narrowed as he leaned into the human, a claw pressed to his lips to subtly signal secrecy…

…Or as subtle as a crouching panda on a creaking chair in a human university could be.

{~~~}

 _Da Pan._

 _Pan Da._

 _Panda._

 _Panda._

 _Panda._

 _Panda._

 _Panda._

 _パンダ_ _._

 _Panda._

 _Panda._

 _Panda._

 _Panda._

 _Pandapandapandapandapandapandapandapanda._

 _PANDA_

 _Panda._

"Hyuk hyuk. I think you've just executed an entire species, Light." Ryuk chuckled as the human madly scribbled the word into the Death Note repeatedly.

Gone were the neat rows of criminals. In their steed was a mass collection of the word 'panda' in a chaotic scrawl across the pages. At the rate he was going, Light would be the first person to use up the endless pages of the notebook with already hundreds of pages filled with the single word.

"Hey Light, you do know that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result…" Another page had been covered with the illegible squiggles and a fresh white page became Kira's next victim. Ryuk couldn't believe it but he could feel fear rolling off from the Death Note. Apparently, it had grown sick of that word as well. Too bad neither man nor book could do anything.

"…and the Death Note only works on humans."

 _DIE. PANDA-L. DIE!_

{~~~}

Watari sighed as he watched the cursed detective slave away behind his numerous computer screens.

"Ryuuzaki, you do know that the human brain needs rest to function at full capacity."

One splash of cold water later, the world's greatest detective no longer had a human brain. "Groff." The panda detective grunted, munching on another stick of bamboo, this one filled with banana cream and chocolate.

Weren't Jusenkyo victims supposed to despise their curse and to anything in their power to cure it? But then again, L was never a member of the majority.

At least he was eating healthier now.


End file.
